The Idiocy of "Illinoise" fans

[O-town Gator]

I couldn't help but laugh at some of the drivel these delusional Zookies are posting: http://forums.scout.com/mb.aspx?s=169&f=2617&t=703122&p=1

OK, here's my two cents:

Ron Zook's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Actually, Zook's hand is too busy operating a "flush" - his football coaching career going down the toilet.

Ron Zook is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

No, it's more like "kick himself in the ass".

Ron Zook can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

Yeah - the shotgun-draw-and-bubble-screen shuffle.

Ron Zook doesn't sit down, chairs kiss his ass.

No, he thinks he sits on a whoppee cushion only to realize that he just broke wind.

The NCAA tried to ban text messaging. Ron Zook texted the committee "U R Morans". The NCAA backed down.

Wrong again. They texted back "U R teh suxor."

Ron Zook can get a girl pregnant by snapping his fingers and saying boo yah.

Ron Zook couldn't even lead a hooker into bed.

The smell around the stadium and campus is not from the farm, It's Zook passing gas.

Perhaps this Illinoise fan is going through Kool-Aid withdrawal and coming to his senses.

Ron Zook once drank an entire gallon of liquid LSD and went into a two week coma. When he awoke he said "all in all, i prefer gin."

Wrong again, Zookie-breath - he said "It is correctable" when he woke. Gat it right.

Ron Zook doesn't wait an hour after eating before going swimming. Ron Zook swims whenever he damn well feels like it.

And pees in the pool like an infant.

Ron Zook clogs the toilet even when he pees.

No wonder why there was a foul stench in The Swamp from January 2002 to November 2004.

Thousands of Notre Dame fans are angry with Ron Zook.

So are many Florida fans.

Ron Zook's name is actually spelled "RonfistZook". The fist is silent.

Wrong again - it's actually "moRon Zook".

Florida uses orange and blue as their school colors as atonement for the mistake of letting Ron Zook go to Illinois.

We never should have allowed Zook to come to Gainesville in the first place.

 

[Leakfan12]

Very funny O-Town. I got one Ron Zook's isn't running because he wants to but run from thousands of angry Gator chasing him to kick his @$$. One more bad season so will Illinois fans.

 

[O-town Gator]

Zook told Al Gore he was full of sh*t about global warming and Zook won a nobel prize award.

The prize award Zook won was a dirty diaper.

Illinois lost to Penn State last night because Ron Zook's aura wasn't in Champaign.

It was in the reaches of outer space, where his mind normally is.

OK, the Illinoise insanity continues here.... http://www.ronzookfacts.com/

Ron Zook was such a great recruiter at Florida, even the basketball team won national titles.

BUT - he couldn't coach the talent he recruited.

The creator of the www.fireronzook.com webpage has gone into hiding. Unfortunately there is no hiding from Ron Zook.

Oh yes there is - if you're a recruit in your right mind, WHY would you want to play for a loser like Zook?

In 2005, Ron Zook is hired by Illinois. Mere months later, Illinois Basketball is in the final four. This is no coincidence.

And the Illinoise football team under Zook was in the tank that season.

Ron Zook invented stain resistant pants. This was to protect himself from opposing coaches pissing themselves when they meet at the end of the game in midfield.

No, it's to protect himself from soilage since he needs to take Ex-Lax from constipation brought on by sweating over trying to solve problems which, to him, seems next to impossible.

Rex Grossman studied under the tutelage of The Zooker his junior year. He left the following year and eventually led the Chicago Bears to the Super Bowl despite sucking half the time. One can only imagine the magnitude of the throwgasms the Sex Cannon would be unleashing if Zook had completed his training.

That's because Zook is the antithesis of Midas. Instead of everything he touches turning to gold, it turns to crap. Rexy should have bailed on Zook and followed SOS to the NFL.

Ron Zook's recruits can make Urban Meyer look like a good coach.

But Ron Zook couldn't coach his OWN recruits - go figure. Urban Meyer could with both the Zooker's AND his own. And after the 2008 win, Urban Meyer walked into the Zooker's house, kissed his wife on the lips (French-kiss, mind you), went to his fridge, grabbed a six-pack of beer, chugged it down and left the empty bottles all over Zook's carpet - and belched loudly before he walked out the door!

Ron Zook passes out strands of his magical hair to Trick or Treaters.

And when the door closes, the little ones say "Ewww, cooties!"

Ron Zook lost the Rose Bowl because he was too busy creating the year 2008.

....that he went 5-7 and was ineligible for the bowls.

Ron Zook, on the occasions he does sleep, retires to a secure bunker four stories underneath the Beckman Institute. For our safety, he tells the guards not to open the doors until sunrise.

...because of the stench emitted from the doors upon opening.

What others call an irresistable force meeting an immovable object, Ron Zook commonly refers to as my offense scrimmaging my defense.

And neither side knows what to do because they can't figure out what the hell is going on.

Teenagers listen to Ron Zook.

Teenagers are usually on another planet anyway, so hearing "it is correctable, and we're getting better and better" over and over again doesn't bother them one bit.

The other 1/3 had WISHED THEY HAD RON ZOOK on their side.

And the other 2/3 thank their lucky stars that they DON'T.

When Zook takes a bow, 8 billion people in China bow.

With their backsides facing Zook, dropping their pants as they bow.

 

[O-town Gator]

And wait 'til you hear him singing; you'll go insane: http://video.chicagolive.com/global/video/popup/pop_player.asp?clipId1=2546885&at1=Sport&vt1=v&h1=Illini+Head+Coach+Ron+Zook+Sings+7th+Inning+Stretch&d1=47600&redirUrl=http://www.chicagolive.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&clipFormat=&playerVersion=1&hostPageUrl=http%3A//video.chicagolive.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp%3FclipId1%3D2546885%26at1%3DSport%26vt1%3Dv%26h1%3DIllini+Head+Coach+Ron+Zook+Sings+7th+Inning+Stretch%26d1%3D47600%26redirUrl%3Dhttp%3A//www.chicagolive.com%26activePane%3Dinfo%26LaunchPageAdTag%3Dhomepage%26clipFormat%3D&rnd=95886399

 

[leakbrewergator]

I think some of those Zookisms are rather funny. I guess I'm guilty of having a sense of humor....

 

[Leakfan12]

Hey O-Town did Meyer also punched Zook in the gut as well LOL? and do players listened to Zook?

 

[Gator Duck]

Ron Zook's beard sharpens razors.

And his mouth dulls minds.

Ron Zook once carpped out a football team. He named them the Iowa Hawkeyes.

Nope, but he did carp out complete playbooks and many, many gameplans.

Ron Zook did stand up comedy as a 12 year old and the crowd is still laughing

... at him

When Ron Zook takes a shower, he doesn't get wet. The water gets ZOOKED!!!

When Ron Zook coaches, his players, the fans, the student body and the alumni get ZOOKED!!!

Ron Zook calls sleep overrated. He also finds eating can be a nuisance to getting the job done. He is so driven he once said, "Can you imagine how much you could get done if you didn't have to sleep or eat?"

We wished he'd have tried it for 30 days. Soon, the Illinoise faithful will too.

Ron Zook breast feeds John Madden

WTF??? OK, I'm speechless... I don't have an answer for that one...

The government just changed "IN GOD WE TRUST" to "IN ZOOK WE TRUST"

Not even close. It was changed to "WE ZOOK EVERYBODY EQUALLY"

Ron Zook once appeared on the TV show Survivor. After 90 days of pain, exhaustion, and dehydration, the island was forced to retire.

Nope. Ron Zook once appeared on the TV show Survivor. After 39 days of Zook, the series was cancelled and prohibited by Congress from ever being renewed or reruns showed of the zook episodes.

The NCAA tried to ban text messaging. Ron Zook texted the committee "U R Morans". The NCAA backed down.

Nope. The NCAA texted back "No, you are the moRon."

Ron Zook knows when Jesus is coming.

And I know that at least ten Jesus's come across the border from Mexico every day...

Ron Zook ate a Bible while water-skiing.

Yep, Ron, carpping out the good book will certainly get you into heaven...

On the first day, Ron Zook recruited light.
On the second day, Ron Zook recruited the heavens.
On the third day, Ron Zook recruited the land and the sea.
On the fourth day, Ron Zook recruited the day and the night.
On the fifth day, Ron Zook recruited animals to the sea and sky.
On the sixth day, Ron Zook recruited animals to the land and recruited man to the earth.
On the seventh day, Ron Zook punched a clown.
Ron Zook doesn't like clowns.

1. And because Ron Zook doesn't know how to develop talent, we've got the farking mess we've got today.
2. Ron Zook IS a clown and he punched himself in the face.

And here is a Gator Duck original...

A recent joint discovery by the astrophysics and subatomic physics communities is that contrary to previous belief, gravitons are not holding planet earth together. Rather, the planet is saturated with anti-gravitons. The only reason the planet does not explode is either because Ron Zook sucks or because Tim Tebow won't allow it.

 

[O-town Gator]

The Memorial Stadium refurbishment is taking so long because they didn't hire Ron Zook to do it himself.

Zook likes to think he's a jack of all trades, but the truth is he's a master of none.

Ron Zook doesn't recruit athletes. Recruiting implies failure.

HIS recruiting does - the fact of the matter is that he can't coach his way out of a perforated paper sack.

Ron Zook found bigfoot and recruited him.

And then Bigfoot body-slammed Zook onto the turf.

The city of New Orleans set up a gold statue of Ron Zook. No not because they are Illini fans, but to scare off any Huricane's that might be stupid enough to come near the city again.

It did get knocked over and disappeared after Lake Ponchartrain broke its levees and flooded NOLA, though.

Congress originally rejected the bailout plan because they were hoping to call Ron Zook for help. They forgot it was football season.

And realized that the Zooker was 5-7; why ask for advice from a loser?

Ron Zook wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

That ain't no cup, kids. It's a rolled-up sock Zook stuffs in his shorts to make others believe he has a "package" in there.

Ron Zook sets off the touchdown fireworks...with his mind.

Wrong - it's with his ass.

 

[MahxFahn]

And wait 'til you hear him singing; you'll go insane:

You're right I'm gonna "Baker Act" myself now.

 

[Leakfan12]

Actually, Big Foot signed on to play in Ohio State LOL.

 

[O-town Gator]

Zook knows what the heck is going on on Lost

That's because the adjective "lost" describes him perfectly.

Ron Zook points on a map of the world the one place he took a nap while recruiting.

Yeah. In Gainesville, FL from January 2002 to 10/25/2004.

Ron Zook holds up the "Ron Zook Coach of the Year Award" formerly known as the Liberty Mutual Coach of the year award and formerly given to the coach that is deemed best in the land. the trophy now simply props up the wobbly leg on Ron Zooks coffee table.

"Best in the land" meaning the best screw-up in the land.

Do not approach Ron Zook while under the influence of drugs or alcohol

Especially if you're in the Greek-letter system on a college campus.

Ron Zook got a new camcorder for Christmas last year. To try it out, he taped his Christmas tree for five minutes.

Because he coudn't think of anything intelligent to videotape.

Ron Zook wept.......ONCE!!

Luckily, some guy built an ark and saved his family and a few thousand animals!

The truth: He bawled his eyes out on 10/25/04, when he screwed things up so bad Machen and Foley finally did the right thing and canned his sorry ass. Luckily Foley learned from his mistake, hired Urban Meyer and saved Florida football!

Ron Zook checks his phone to see if that thank you note has come in from Urban Meyer

Meyer actually sent him this message: "Kiss my ass."

Ron Zook can't predict the future. The future just does what Ron Zook says.

And it is correctable.

When Ron Zook gets to the top step of a ladder marked, "This is not a step," HE STEPS.

And FALLS on his ashcan.

Ron Zook can do the 8 minute abs in 6 minutes, while eating a ham sandwich and recruiting an All-America lineman.

And then afterwards makes a beeline for the porcelain god and throws up after showing off like that.

Ron Zook knows why NFL prospects take the Wonderlic test, but he won't tell anyone.

To prove that they have more common sense than he does.

Ron Zook can get a kid to go to a school against his parents will!

By being a bamboozler and snake-oil salesman.

Ever want to get out of a speeding ticket. Breathlessly tell the officer that Ron Zook is behind you and you were just trying to save your own life.

Because I was a football player at UF from 2002-2004 escaping from mediocrity.

Ron Zook can eat a meal of KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut then go home and not spend the rest of the night in the bathroom.

Because he'd rather fart in bed.

Ron Zook can get a 9-3 team into the Rose Bowl.

And tank the game without even trying.

The earth rotates from West to East becasue that is the direction Ron Zook likes to run on his morning jog.

And also the direction a bubble screen is thrown - from page 2 of his playbook.

Ron Zook could make Weis lose weight, but he doesn't want to

Because Florida fans want Charlie to keep eating his cheeseburgers.

 

[woodsmit]

What's with the obsession with Zook?

 

[Leakfan12]

What's with the obsession with Zook?

Just making fun of the Illinois fans Zookisms. Oh Abe Lincoln called University of Illinois from behind the grave saying to him fire that douchbag football coach. :sign0081:

 

[O-town Gator]

What's with the obsession with Zook?

In the offseason, he's fair game.

Leakfan's right; a little levity doesn't hurt.

Many of the Illini fanbase think Zook's the greatest thing since sliced bread and knock UF for having fired him, which was the right thing to do on our part. Aside from that fluke 2007 season, Zook hasn't done a damn thing that's noteworthy up there at "Illinoise".

It also serves as catharsis for those of us who rode the storms out from 2002-2004.

 

[Leakfan12]

Let me try some:

"The Chief decided to retire because continuing to share a football field with Ron Zook was just too much awesomeness at the same time*"

Actually the Chief quit in protest of the hiring of Zook.

" It's a well known fact that donkeys cannot move backwards. However, entire herds of donkeys have been seen running backwards when Ron Zook walks towards them"

Because the donkeys really don't want to play for him.

"Michigan Fans call it a "Big House". Ron Zook calls it an "Out House"."

He would know Outhouses alright.

"Ron Zook once stared at a Hawkeye about to cross the goal line, who then proceeded to fumble the ball and spontaneously implode"

That sounds like a Zook coached team.

"Ron Zook could sell a ketchup popscicle to a girl in a wedding gown,"

And the girl threw it Zook

"Ron Zook recruited colonists to colonize North America"

And they later fired him three years later.

OK not as funny as O-Town's I admit.

 

[O-town Gator]

Some random Illini quotes with my "sassy" remarks:

Hopefully those few small changes include things such as no more bubble screen, learning to use the option consistently (aka not 500 times in one game and 3 the next), and including a chair route.

Trying to get Zook to not use a bubble screen would be like trying to teach a dog or cat not to lick itself in conspicuous places.

i just hope they ditch that stupid QB draw play where they have 2 running backs in the backfield with Juice! that play killed about 30 drives last year!

That's like asking the impossible. Zook plays more not to lose than he does win - and you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Whatever the exact makeup is, it will directly determine our offensive success this year. We must have a running game and Juice can't get hit on every pass play.

You sound just as clueless as your moRon coach.

Zook ought to take notes from this and learn.

That will happen the day pigs fly.

Discipline and "players coach" don't go together. This already has and will continue to spell trouble for this program in all kinds of ways big and small.

Hello? You Illinoise fans are just starting to figure that out? Hey, we warned you and you didn't believe us!

 

[O-town Gator]

Meyer has a whole lot of players getting arrested these days. I think his team far and away leads the nation in that category.

Umm....no. Why would EDSBS call that dubious honor "The Fulmer Cup"?

 

[O-town Gator]

The Idiocy of Ron Zook

"Every team is different every year," Zook says. "I knew something was wrong last year and still don't know what it was.

Once clueless, always clueless.

Zook turned to TCU offensive coordinator Mike Schultz to take over the attack. The two didn't know each other, but they were put together by a mutual friend: Mike Gottfried.

Mike Gottfried - the biggest Zook apologist of them all.

Juice is certainly on the top of the list, but his roadblocks seem to be somewhat over his head. Last season he played with a subpar o-line, inconsistent running backs, and minimal quarterback coaching.

If Zook would give his assistants "room to coach" and stop micromanaging them, stuff like this wouldn't happen.

Juice needs to learn to look off of the first receiver and actually throw the ball with accuracy. He needs to not be a human turnover machine. He needs to be able to find the hot reciever on a blitz.

Once Zook gets his hands on a QB he deteriorates or underperforms; cases in point Rex Grossman in 2002; Chris Leak in 2003 and 2004.

 

[Leakfan12]

Well I wouldn't go that far with Leak because believe or not Leak had his best season in 2004 with 29 TD's. The big problem with Zook was he was a defensive minded but his D couldn't hold a lead. A good Defensive minded coach prevents his D from blowing a lead late in the game.

 

[O-town Gator]

Well I wouldn't go that far with Leak because believe or not Leak had his best season in 2004 with 29 TD's. The big problem with Zook was he was a defensive minded but his D couldn't hold a lead. A good Defensive minded coach prevents his D from blowing a lead late in the game.

"Prevent " defense was exactly how Zook played - to try and "prevent" a loss instead of going all out to win.